Not using social media is akin to marketing malpractice. Any communications or marketing professional who is NOT actively engaged in social media should be immediately fired.
And after being fired they should never be allowed to work in marketing and communications ever again. They should be banned from the practice and their names published on a special website reserved for morons and fools who deserve ridicule.
And after that they should be kicked out of their communities and have their homes foreclosed.
Then they should be put to death.
Social media is Marketing Mecca. It is GOLD. When you even just glance in social media’s direction your brand will instantly become a household name and your products and services worshiped by hordes of customers eager to throw money at you. These customers will then use social media to spread word-of-mouth praise about you personally – and your products and services – to their millions of thralls who will also drown you in money.
Your sales will quadruple in the first moments after using social media. Seconds after that your sales will increase tenfold. This is a guarantee because it has been blogged about by Social Media Gurus (and they know everything). You have everything to lose, including your life, by not using social media and only riches and fame to gain simply by using social media.
Social media will get you promoted and a raise. Your CEO will personally hand you a large bonus check and then kneel down in front of you to kiss your shoes. She may even build a towering marble statue of you in the front lobby.
Social media will also win you awards. Big awards with enormous cash prizes and trophies the size of African elephants. You will have to build an addition to your new 25,000 square-foot mansion in order to house these incredible trophies. Neighbors will view them with awe and you’ll be able to sell tickets to the crowds that gather to see them.
You will author books about how clever you are in social media. You will speak in front of millions at trade shows in Las Vegas (and get away with using profanity). You will be rewarded with free drinks and a hotel suite on the top floor of the most popular casinos. Movie stars will come to your room to bask in the glow of your fame and success (they will ask you about the trophies). They will spread the word about meeting you on social media. They will retweet you.
You will receive dozens of new job offers worth millions in salary and benefits. The stock options alone will be so large that if the monetary value of them was paid to you in one dollar bills they would encircle the globe 15 times. Your expense accounts will be larger than the GDP of most European countries.
Someone will found a religion based on your social media wisdom and your followers will pray to you twice a day and send you money and their first-born children. These children will be named after you.
You will become more handsome using social media. You will lose weight.
Your Facebook status updates will stop wars. Cure diseases. End hunger. When you ask Donald Trump to be quiet he will ask you for how long and you will say forever and he will become a monk that never speaks.
Mark Zuckerberg will appoint you president of the United States. Lady Gaga will write songs about you. Chris Brogan will write a blog post about you and link to your blog.
This can ALL be yours.
So to avoid death and realize your dreams all you have to do to is to use social media and subscribe to this blog.
(And, yes, this is a parody post.)